I'm tumbling down the rabbit hole.
I've never been so depressed in my life before... it's a struggle, every single day... not by my superiors, not by my colleagues but by myself. I have a target to hit, a certain figure that I must achieve every month... but the most brutal taskmaster is myself..
I postponed all appointments, schedules, invitations.. so that I could finally be alone by myself to think for the first time in weeks...
- what is happening to me?
I really don't know what is happening... my mind is in a constant compressed state of stress and agitation, I just feel so lethargic and unmotivated that I could cry.. how far have I fallen from my previously cheerful state?
Is this the life which I want?
The sky is getting dark as I write this post, and I'm all alone in my house... More then one person has said that it is my attitude, that I need to change my attitude... I need to look on the bright side, that I have a job, I have an environment to work in that is relatively conducive.
Only catch is, you are your own taskmaster.
Then, what is the job I think suits me best? I'm tired, so tired of being in places where I can't see the future or a future inside it...
I want to genuinely help people, and where people will appreciate the help
I want to have an organized, standardized working time
I want to work hard, and know that people around me know I'm a hard worker.
I want to be in a supportive working environment
I want to specialize at something, and excel in it to the point of almost perfection.
I want to be indispensable in an organization
I want to be a Christian on my job.
I don't want to have to worry about my next rice bowl or roof over my head
I don't want to constantly be worrying about whether there will be business tomorrow or the day after
I don't want to feel so alone in everything I do
Every night when I pray I cry.. it hurts so much and I don't know why...
I even think I might be suffering from clinical depression... I even feel suicidal at times.
My mind is constantly hazy and my brain keeps thumbing me down at everything....
I need help.
='(
